Sometime last week – or maybe late the week before – I hit a new record: the longest in 15 years that I have gone without seeing Tristan.
Previously, it would’ve been about 3 weeks, max. I had a couple runs of those when he stayed in Vermont for a year while I started grad school in Boston. Even then, I’d drive up once a month and stay with a friend and spend a few hours with him in his field. This – this is unprecedented. I miss him like breathing. The earliest I can possibly see him is May 15, and that’s assuming we don’t get our stay at home order extended again.
My birthday is May 12, and I’m considering negotiating with the barn to maybe drive out and park next to his pasture for a little while, if I promise not to leave the car. We’ll see if that works. It’s depressing to have that to look forward to, but I’m clinging to it.
Some things are good – Etsy orders are off the charts, nearly pre-Christmas levels of ordering, which has been gratifying and is keeping me busy. Unfortunately, my embroidery machine broke down about 10 days ago, with a simple problem that nevertheless needed a technician to fix. The closest repair shop is in New Hampshire, which would have meant crossing state borders, which is strongly discouraged in Vermont right now. So I had to buy a brand new machine, which was as you can imagine pretty darn expensive. It’ll be amortized, business is still going really well, all that jazz, but damn, it would have felt good to build savings instead of pay down debt.
My kitchen is SO clean. I’ve been baking a lot, and because of my habit of buying flour 50lbs at a time and yeast in 1lb blocks, I’m still mostly fine in those departments. I’ve been walking the dog longer and further than I ever have before, and as a result she’s better-behaved on leash than she has been in years. I’m reading a lot of books I’ve had on my backlist. I still love my house, so it’s no true hardship to be in it. I am still fond of my husband, so there’s that too.
On the downside, I have this incredible smoldering anger toward people who are blatantly disregarding the stay at home orders in their location and still riding their horses. Some of it’s irrational – people have their horses at home, or they’re the only person at a private facility – and some of it is a staggering amount of selfishness on the part of people who are using this whole thing as a fun vacation with zero respect for local rules. Obviously, I have no control over it, and it’s not like anyone who’s made the decision to continue as usual is going to give two shits about my opinion – but I’m struggling with it.
I’m also deeply, nauseatingly worried about the state of my own job come the summer, the new fiscal year, and once the full picture of the economic fallout becomes clear. Logically, I can probably wrangle a working student position, I have savings, my husband’s job in healthcare is likely secure, and I will be okay – but I love my job. I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to have to implement all those backup plans.
Plus, you know, my trip of a lifetime to Vienna. I’m still dealing with the fallout and the refunds etc. from that. And eyeing the professional conference I have in Las Vegas in September and wondering about that. And, you know, everything else in the whole entire world that is up in the air from moment to moment.
I know it’s already been said before, by everyone, many times, but I will add to the pile: this fucking sucks.