Sometime last week – or maybe late the week before – I hit a new record: the longest in 15 years that I have gone without seeing Tristan.

Previously, it would’ve been about 3 weeks, max. I had a couple runs of those when he stayed in Vermont for a year while I started grad school in Boston. Even then, I’d drive up once a month and stay with a friend and spend a few hours with him in his field. This – this is unprecedented. I miss him like breathing. The earliest I can possibly see him is May 15, and that’s assuming we don’t get our stay at home order extended again.

My birthday is May 12, and I’m considering negotiating with the barn to maybe drive out and park next to his pasture for a little while, if I promise not to leave the car. We’ll see if that works. It’s depressing to have that to look forward to, but I’m clinging to it.

Some things are good – Etsy orders are off the charts, nearly pre-Christmas levels of ordering, which has been gratifying and is keeping me busy. Unfortunately, my embroidery machine broke down about 10 days ago, with a simple problem that nevertheless needed a technician to fix. The closest repair shop is in New Hampshire, which would have meant crossing state borders, which is strongly discouraged in Vermont right now. So I had to buy a brand new machine, which was as you can imagine pretty darn expensive. It’ll be amortized, business is still going really well, all that jazz, but damn, it would have felt good to build savings instead of pay down debt.

My kitchen is SO clean. I’ve been baking a lot, and because of my habit of buying flour 50lbs at a time and yeast in 1lb blocks, I’m still mostly fine in those departments. I’ve been walking the dog longer and further than I ever have before, and as a result she’s better-behaved on leash than she has been in years. I’m reading a lot of books I’ve had on my backlist. I still love my house, so it’s no true hardship to be in it. I am still fond of my husband, so there’s that too.

On the downside, I have this incredible smoldering anger toward people who are blatantly disregarding the stay at home orders in their location and still riding their horses. Some of it’s irrational – people have their horses at home, or they’re the only person at a private facility – and some of it is a staggering amount of selfishness on the part of people who are using this whole thing as a fun vacation with zero respect for local rules. Obviously, I have no control over it, and it’s not like anyone who’s made the decision to continue as usual is going to give two shits about my opinion – but I’m struggling with it.

I’m also deeply, nauseatingly worried about the state of my own job come the summer, the new fiscal year, and once the full picture of the economic fallout becomes clear. Logically, I can probably wrangle a working student position, I have savings, my husband’s job in healthcare is likely secure, and I will be okay – but I love my job. I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to have to implement all those backup plans.

Plus, you know, my trip of a lifetime to Vienna. I’m still dealing with the fallout and the refunds etc. from that. And eyeing the professional conference I have in Las Vegas in September and wondering about that. And, you know, everything else in the whole entire world that is up in the air from moment to moment.

I know it’s already been said before, by everyone, many times, but I will add to the pile: this fucking sucks.

6 thoughts on “Milestones

  1. It does fucking suck. =(

    But I’m really glad your Etsy business is plugging along at a grand rate! Even if you had to get a new embroidery machine – ugh.


  2. I feel the same deep rage towards people ignoring the stay at home orders and going riding… especially here where the numbers are so bad. NJ broke 100,000 cases a few days ago and yet people are still trailering out to go trail riding. It infuriates me.


  3. It DOES fucking suck. But I’m glad the embroidery business is going well at least! And I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you get to see Tristan for your birthday…


  4. ugh our conference (AKA MY WORK AND PAY) is in October. I am pretty sure we arent going to have it per normal and not sure how it is going to end up playing out. we were just brainstorming yesterday about social distancing there and omg it is a nightmare. (Temps taken at the door, hotels are handing a set of sheets to each person checking in for the duration and we have to make our own beds). Only room service for us staff. No shuttles (AKA cant have people all crammed in) and less room in sessoin rooms so as to build six feet or more between people. After that call i felt depressed as fuck.

    I hope you DO get to see Tristan for your bday (And happy bday early!)….i have gone to my barn a few times but they are very strigentabout the time there. I am so sorry you cant see your horse at all 😦 I hope things get better soon for you!

    And good news on the embroidery business going well. Can you post your etsy again for me!?? thank you


  5. Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m lucky in that I self board in my own leased space so I see my two once a day. I hear you on the resentment though – I’d say the majority here are not adjusting their lifestyle beyond what’s forced on them. We’re also experiencing a ton of job uncertainty. I’m trying to look at it as a potential opportunity to move on to something even better, but yeah, it sucks. I’m glad your stay store is doing well and am crossing fingers hard you can safely visit Tristan on your birthday. Hang in there, you got this!


  6. I do a lot of conference planning/events in my 9-5 and honestly I would be shocked if we are doing anything “in person” by September. Most of mine thru that timeframe are going “virtual”. Not nearly as fun, IMO.

    I have everything crossed that you get to see your boy soon, and on your birthday! KC is opening things back up this next week, but I’m not sure how that will all look and in general think people are going to be really unsafe about it.


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