Fuck this week (month) (year)

I don’t think I need to say why.

I’m doing a little better now than I was earlier in the week. Early this week, it felt like a series of lasts. Last CrossFit class. Last PT appointment. Over the weekend, a last visit to family.

Then, Tuesday morning, as I was leaving the therapy appointment in which we discussed that March 17 the year before was the last day I spent with my father when he was healthy – I got a call from the barn. Because I’d been out of state over the weekend (that 24 hour visit to family), they asked me to stay away for a minimum of five days.

I get it. It’s fair. It’s safe. But I spent a very, very bad 48 hours, because I had just told my therapist that the barn was going to be my refuge, because I was always there when it was empty. So now I got to stew for 48 hours in my memories of my dad in an ICU on a ventilator when that’s all the news was talking about, transitioning to being stuck in my house, and not seeing my horse. Even when I am at my most stable and happy, being kept from Tristan is really hard. This week has been worse.

It’s Friday now, and I am doing better, slowly. Yesterday, I did my last work-related thing not at home (a livestreamed talk during which we all sat at separate tables in a large room) and Wednesday picked up gym equipment from my CrossFit box and set up a home gym and did my first WOD at home. I successfully tested grocery store delivery and curbside pickup from a few downtown bakeries and cleaned up my craft room to get some projects ready for when I feel ready for them.

Tonight, I’m hoping to go to the barn and move all my tack and grooming supplies to my car. That will eliminate all but one point of shared contact – his stall door – and I can wear gloves for that. I’ll talk to the barn manager this afternoon to clear it, and I won’t be there around other people until the 14 days is over. I’ve been temping myself twice a day (and have learned that my average is more like 97, wtf?) because I need this to work.

Anyway. Fingers crossed, everyone.

6 thoughts on “Fuck this week (month) (year)

  1. I had to get dragged into the doctor’s office this week for drugs because my anxiety reached clinical levels with panic attacks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I lost 2 lbs this week. Why? Because my nurse husband (who has asthma) has to be working in this mess, and one of his jobs is in the ER. “Worried for him” barely covers it. I haven’t had good experiences with family members on ventilators either, and those were the nightmares that kept waking me up in the moments when I was able to fall asleep. I have to go to work because veterinary professionals are considered “essential staff” so I worry about bringing it to work as an asymptomatic carrier, or bringing it home from a coworker that came in sick. I’ve been told I can stay home and get PTO (though it’s only for 2 weeks) but we need the second income, so it’s an ethical struggle on that front as well. We are under mutual agreement at my job though that, because there is an increased risk of me being a carrier because of Carlos, I am to stay home if I feel even slightly off.

    I am so sorry about the timing of all of this for you, especially with what happened with your dad. Please know that you are not alone in this.

    My temp is 98.5.

    Sending virtual hugs.


    1. I’m sorry. ❤ I've been playing "anxiety attack or shortness of breath?" all week. Two days ago I took extra Tums, an allergy pill, ate two pieces of plain toast, and forced myself away from the internet for an hour. I felt much, much better after it. (Coughing and shortness of breath is one of my heartburn symptoms, of course!)

      Love to you and Carlos both. Is there something we can be doing to help organize around making sure he gets necessary supplies? A friend of mine just posted something about making face masks from scrap fabric, of which I have a literal TON. Would that be helpful?


      1. I wish I could get away from it: it’s not a social media problem, it’s an “I live with the situation at home” problem. Carlos comes home from work and I get to hear the damage report. But I would sleep even less if I didn’t hear the damage report…so it’s a catch 22.

        I’ve had several crafty friends ask about the face masks, and my sister in law created a group on Facebook that I can add you to (though I know you’ve been keeping off of FB.) She is recruiting people that want to sew masks and reaching out to the medical community in general. I put her in touch with a nurse friend of Carlos’s and mine whose team needs masks out in Texas, and she has already contacted one Ohio medical group (her home state.) Gail (equestrian blogger with Nimo the Friesian) is in the group too. I’m going to ask at work this week about the fabric masks, my idea being that if we can use the washable fabric masks in the ORs (just like we do fabric surgical caps and gowns already), there will be more of the disposable masks for those in the human medical field to use. My brother requested some for his coworkers too: he is an essential employee working at a grocery store in Ohio, so they are also dealing with the public unprotected right now. Lots of ideas and ways to help! 🙂 If Facebook isn’t an option I can let you know what I find out through IG. Carlos’s hospitals currently aren’t needing fabric masks *yet*: he asked yesterday, but he told me that that might change next week. I’ll keep you posted. Thank you so much for the offer to help! ❤


  2. Social distancing from social media is key if you have anxiety. My anxiety is well managed without drugs but the fever pitch of social media has sent me into a spiral. Stepping away intentionally for my health has made everything better.

    Wishing you the best.


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